My Mom Is the Worst!
by Britni Brault
My Mom is the worst, not the best, yes the latter.
She constantly nags me that something’s the matter.
“Make your bed. Brush your teeth. Brush your hair. Put on shoes!”
The shoes are the worst that’s the one that I lose.
I made breakfast for me—ice cream for my belly.
She threw it away and made eggs, toast and jelly.
My Mom is the worst, not the best, yes the latter.
She frequently tells me this-that is the matter!
I get dressed by myself, I know what to do.
Makeup and jewels, perfume and glue.
The bow goes right here, the toothpaste does too.
Mommy comes in, “Oh no, what did you do!!??”
My Mom is the worst, yes the worst, I get madder.
There’s no end in sight with whatevers that matter!!
She makes me do homework, reading and math.
Each night before bed I must first take a bath.
I feel kind of sick in my belly and off.
My fever is high and my throat is—cough-cough.
She brings me hot soup and popsicles too.
When I’m sick or I’m hurt she knows just what to do.
My Mom is the best, not the worst, yes the latter.
She patiently helps me when something’s the matter.
She kisses and holds me and says I love you each day.
I guess I was wrong, I don’t know what to say?
I’m sorry my Mom, it’s you who knows best.
There’s no better than you, you beat all the rest.
My Mom is the best, not the worst, yes the latter.
She kisses and hugs me whatever’s the matter!
Oui Prey Entrée
by Britni Brault and Sid Strand
On a warm spring day three little pigs; Straw, Stix and Brix, were entertaining their livestock pen pals with their comic performance. “You’re a porky pig, Straw,” joked Brix. “When you sit around the house you SIT AROUND THE HOUSE!” “I’m a plump pig AND a blackbelt in karate,” replies Straw, “I’ll show you my pork-CHOP!” The farm was a great place to get laughs, but it was nothing compared to “The Big Apple.” The three little pigs longed for the bright lights of the city and the chance to become famous. A traveling wolf was walking along the dirt road, hammering up flyers about auditions being held for a one-night only event taking place in the city. The three little pigs eagerly packed and went wee, wee, wee, all the way there!
There were giraffe contortionists and a ventriloquist parrot. A sword swallowing lion and a strongman beef cow—tattooed from head to toe. Each performer trying to please the one and only director, BB Wolfe. A tiger, with populous burn patches of bare skin from previous attempts, crouched and made a leap through a flaming hoop, catching fire again and setting part of the stage aflame. BB Wolfe leapt from his seat, huffed and puffed and blew all the flames out!
A magician fox and his female wolf assistant, dressed in sheep’s clothing, pulled a pigeon from his hat. The trick didn’t go as planned when the bird disappeared and the fox burped some feathers. The magician continued and dragged out a large black box that his assistant climbed into. The fox pulled out a razor-sharp saw and began slicing, but cut too close and his assistant growled, then howled and shredded the case, chasing the fox off stage!
Opening night came quickly. With great anticipation, each of the talent was practicing separately backstage. The three little pigs were curious if the show would draw a crowd and peeked out the thick, velvet curtain. It was a packed house and the spectators were each being shown to their seats. The pigs were observing the many posters stationed throughout the auditorium. The flyers read, “‘Dinner and a Show. Pork, Beef and Chicken: Live Performances,’ produced by ‘Break Off a Leg Productions,’ who also produced the smash hit ‘The STEAKout.’ Sponsored and catered by the french cuisine ‘Oui Prey Entrée.’” The three pigs took a closer look at each of the ticket holders being led in by BB Wolfe’s ushers. Filling the seats were all predators. The little pigs understood that, “Dinner and a Show” meant—they were the show AND the dinner!
The theatre went dark and a spotlight was turned on bright, highlighting a hen high up in the rafters. “Henrietta’s Flying Chickens” were announced and each flipped and twirled through the air, being caught by one another. Their trapeze stunts were awe-inspiring! Their finale came with a high-wire performance using umbrellas. They each floated, in unison, down landing softly into whimsical styled bird cages awaiting their arrival. Lights went out.
The assembly was drooling, hungry for what’s to come. BB Wolfe makes an announcement into a lowered microphone and assures the gathering, “The ushers are coming around now to collect your choice of entrée.” The pigs needed to act quickly. They were scheduled last and they are one act away from their performance. They stop Clarabelle Beef, before she takes the stage, to inform her of what’s been really going on. Clarabelle improvises her strongman feat, flexing her brawn and showing off the “Angus Beef Chart” tattoos all over her beefcake carcass, baiting the viewers and tempting the audience as the pigs help liberate the flying chickens from their cages. The three pig brothers take center stage to begin their act, distracting the audience to what’s going on above them. Henrietta’s Flying Chickens are unhinging their safety net soundlessly. The ropes fall and engulf all of the predators—including BB Wolfe whose leg is dangerously resembling a savory drumstick to a few hungry carnivores! Clarabelle Beef pulls and ties off the rope, leaving the audience, and BB Wolfe, trapped and hanging from the auditorium’s ceiling.
The next day a truck, “ACME Taxidermy: Where STUFF Happens!” backs into the building’s freight entrance for a pick up. “Beep, beep, beep.”
The End
THE GIRL IN THE BOOTS
(Based on a true story)
by Britni Brault
It was my first day of school today.
I was so excited to make new friends, read books and play.
Until the girl in the boots yelled at me
And told me I couldn’t climb the tree.
Recess started, my feet hit the floor.
A tree sat majestic, I couldn’t wait to explore.
As soon as I started up the limbs and got higher,
I heard a shrill voice like the school was on fire!
“Get down! Who are you?! That’s ours! No way!”
I got down, turned around and watched safely at bay.
She was pretty, stood confident, surrounded by friends.
Her shiny new boots didn’t need any mends.
She declared it their tree and climbed with each boot,
One after another her posse followed suit.
Her boots are blue, pink, yellow and green,
But it wasn't her shoes, it was her mouth that was mean.
Maybe it is her boots that make her that way?
If they’re tight, pinch or sting, that would give anyone a bad day.
I don’t think it’s her boots.
I think she’s just mad,
Shouting bossy commands, making new kids sad.
After school I told my mommy about my whole day.
She suggested I pray and just stay away.
I’ll listen to my mommy and let that girl be—
Secretly hoping she falls out of the tree!
I’VE LOST MY…
(Dedicated to my Dad)
I got ready this morning as I do each day.
Wrapped in a towel after a shower and close shave.
Took a look in the mirror, I’ve looked better past days…
Something is missing? I can’t put my finger on it.
It’s not weight in the middle, I’m perfectly fit…
*Nope!
My hair is a lot less, but that hasn’t changed in some time.
My nose and ears keep growing like large fruit on a vine.
It’s not my mustache, it’s there, not my manly goatee.
Something’s not right, oh what could it be?
My muscles are weakened, but that was on purpose I say.
“I’ve got better things to do,” as I drive by that gym each day.
I went to the dentist on Wednesday and got that cavity filled,
That dentist OWES me extra teeth for what he billed!
Oh well, I can’t think of it. I brush my teeth and keeping preening.
Grab some Q-tips and dig to continue the cleaning.
I move down to my belly button to remove the lint in the hole,
what a pain to dig so far in the abyss of…
Wait, WHAT!!!?? Where did it go?
*Author’s addition to protect truthful journalism
3…2…1…Blast off!
by Britni Brault
“Johnny, come eat dinner and watch your father on the television,” his mom chimed from the kitchen. It was his dad’s second space exploration and Johnny was busy with his own play rocket ship and toys. The family had recently purchased a new washer and dryer and Johnny took the cardboard boxes they came in and made a rocket ship. Markers, duct tape, glue and scissors were strewn all over the living room floor of the stylish mid-century modern home. Johnny’s father was one of the first space explorers in a time when everyone was rushing to get to the moon first. America had won the race and each new expedition to the great unknown was a vast sea of whatever the mind could conjure.
Upon his father’s return from the moon, the family dressed up in their Sunday best to meet him at the launch site. Their tradition was nothing new, but the television crews and public were watching the astronauts, and their loved ones, closely. They were being treated like movie stars, but they didn’t feel any different. Johnny escaped his mother’s and older siblings’ watchful eyes and went exploring. The launch site was on flat land, but there was plenty to probe. Johnny kicked over a few rocks and discovered a large, camouflaged metal door hinged to the floor with a large ring handle. Johnny looked around and, when no one was looking, opened the hatch to discover a ladder leading to a room full of silver boxes with flashing buttons; mostly red and white, some yellow and green. The appliances looked like intelligent machines, surrounded by men in white coats with pencils in their ears. This was a room Johnny, a kid, would not fit in, but he had to see what they were doing. Johnny climbed down the tube and ladder and found a place inside to be out of the way. There was a room to the right that had little foot traffic and he hid under the desk. A dog, white with black spots with a red collar noticed Johnny, and Johnny noticed him. The dog was in a large crate under the desk and Johnny took some bacon he’d saved from this morning’s breakfast out of his front jean pocket and offered it to the pup.
A commotion started in this hidden room, which peeked Johnny’s curiosity more. He overheard that the returning spacecraft had suffered some damage, and all Johnny could think about was his dad. Everyone was running around, pushing buttons, yelling on their headphones and into a speaker. It was chaos. Johnny let out the little dog and held him tight, not knowing what to think or do in such a tragic circumstance. Johnny was scared and wanted to get out to see and be held by his mother, but he didn’t want to be caught. He went through a door from that room and opened a hatch. No one could see him from there. He knew he should put the little dog back, but the comfort of an animal during such a time as this was needed and he couldn’t put him down. Johnny then realized that he had put himself into a very small space. It was tight and dark and didn’t seem like a room. He held the dog and tried to think about what just happened and where he ended up? At that moment there was a great boom—it felt like an explosion—and Johnny grabbed hold of his seat and then realized it had straps. He hurriedly buckled himself in, with the dog pressed hard against his chest. A countdown began…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Johnny and this little dog were launched into space!
The velocity of the launch was so great both passed out several times before waking confused and disoriented. The rocket started to float then, instead of thrust, and Johnny unstrapped himself and the dog. He looked out the window and gasped! This was what he’d always wanted, but he was also terrified. Johnny could hear voices coming from the speakers talking about coordinates and rocket control, so he started pressing buttons and talking, hoping to get through. “Hi, it’s Johnny. My dad was on the launch returning from the moon, and me and a little black and white dog ended up in this rocket ship. I need help. Can you bring us back?” There was more scrambling and confusion and Johnny was placed on hold between a number of men checking back in to make sure the connection was still secure. Johnny was informed the rocket he was on was a back-up launch to return his father and their crew home after their spacecraft suffered damage. Johnny’s mother was frantically yelling his name repeatedly from a distance, “Johnny. Johnny! Johnny, Come and eat dinner!” Johnny climbed out of the box, with his dog fighting to get out first, and went to eat his supper. He was disappointed his space exploration would have to wait until after his nightly shower, or if it was up to his mother, after school tomorrow. Although he loved traveling the galaxy, Johnny was truly glad to be back at home on Mars. There’s no place like it.